I’m struggling a bit today.
I like to think of myself as a positive person, and I go to great lengths presenting myself to the outside world as such.
HAI I’M LOTTE I’M UPBEAT AND FUN AND EVERYTHING IS AWESOME, YO!
I might talk about times when I’ve not been so unwaveringly ‘up’ – I’m open about my history of depression – but my focus is always how I’ve escaped from despair, how I find joy in the face of adversity.
Brand Lotte is all about positivity.
Yet sometimes, life gets shitty. more →
Today is a very special day Chez Lane, as it marks the ninth anniversary of me and my husband meeting for the very first time.
Oh what a day that was! We met at Angel tube station at 9pm: I was two hours late and David had terrible hair. We went to the Nags Head and drank seven pints each, me cider, him Guinness. Every time he went to the toilet (which was a lot, what with all the drinking), I texted my friend Nia outlining my concern about the follicular situation – his hair really was VERY dodge: sparse, over-long wisps glued together into lame-ass peaks, like a balding Gareth Gates. Luckily David was great company, and the cider soon hazed up my view of his hairline, so when he finally leant over the table to snog me I heartily reciprocated.
Immediately afterwards I ran straight to the loo, more →
After her customary enthusiastic yell of ‘FOODTIME’, the first thing my daughter said to me on Wednesday morning was ‘HAPPY JOY!’.
We’d gone to a rather lovely wedding the previous weekend, which had included an audience participatory rendition of Ren & Stimpy’s ‘Happy Happy Joy Joy’ Song as part of the proceedings. Clearly, that moment had burned itself into Maya’s little synapses, as here she was re-enacting it several days later: standing in her cot, in her little sleeping bag, waving her arms in the air (she’d also remembered the dance moves!), repeating the words in her gorgeous sing-song toddler voice. Watching her, my heart swelled; I felt a surge of (you guessed it!) pure happiness and joy.
Sadly the feeling wasn’t to last more →
I’ve got a shocking confession for you. In the last two and a half months, I’ve not earned any money. Not a penny.
And worse still, I’ve not earned any money through choice.
I took a self-imposed break from blogging in August, but now I’M BACK!
Of course, I couldn’t tear myself completely away from the interwebs, so took part in Susannah Conway’s brilliant ‘August Break’, where you’re challenged to take a photo every day in response to a specific prompt.
The resulting pics I shared on Instagram illustrate what I’ve been up to all summer, so sharing them here to bring y’all up to speed with the exciting goings on in Lotteland…
1 August – Lunch
My oldest friend brought round yummy sugary treats for us to share, all the way from Wales. She is one of the most generous people I know: emotionally and practically (she never comes to visit empty handed!). I’m a very lucky Lotte.
There’s some horrible stuff going on in the world right now. An idle twiddle on Facebook ends up depressing me. The newspaper, the radio, my friends: they all tell me tales of horror and woe. Gaza. Cancer. Death. Divorce. Lives falling apart, bodies caving in.
It’s so easy to scroll through it all, and get overwhelmed by misery, hopelessness, despair.
To take doomful notes (I’m part of a race of base, violent beings) and paint mindscapes of black bleak unspeakable things.
I’m a sensitive flower. When bad news comes I feel have but two choices: more →
You may have noticed I like to talk about myself.
This blog is basically made up of post upon post of me, talking about me. My social media feeds are a big enormous Lotte party. And, although I claim to detest the letter ‘i’ (curse you, O Ruiner of Scrabble!), I’m thinking my book is going to be comprised almost entirely of it.
I. I. I.
Me. Me. Me. more →
I’m currently on a self-imposed booze ban, to help get my latest bout of depression to fuck the fuck off.
I won’t lie to you, this is difficult for me.
I love a drink, I do.
Not in an ‘I’m alcohol dependent’ kinda way (I’m not – though I may have been once upon a time).
No. I love a drink in a ‘mmm booze is delicious’ kinda way, and – I’ll admit it – in a ‘it makes life fun’ kinda way.
Yes, I said it. Alcohol is fun.
It crept up on me just like that.
One moment I was absolutely fine, the next I was crying in a cemetery.
Panic. That ball in my throat. Jittery shaking holding back melodrama. more →
Things are ramping up workwise in Lotteland, which is great for stuff like paying for my new roof, but less so for my sanity.
I’ll level with you: right now I feel overwhelmed, under pressure and out of control, and worse off it’s all of my own making.
This whole ‘do what you love’ self-employment thing – especially when juggled with a toddler and other life requirements (y’know, paying bills, doing chores, getting a few hours sleep) – well, it’s HARD. more →