I’m struggling a bit today.
I like to think of myself as a positive person, and I go to great lengths presenting myself to the outside world as such.
HAI I’M LOTTE I’M UPBEAT AND FUN AND EVERYTHING IS AWESOME, YO!
I might talk about times when I’ve not been so unwaveringly ‘up’ – I’m open about my history of depression – but my focus is always how I’ve escaped from despair, how I find joy in the face of adversity.
Brand Lotte is all about positivity.
Yet sometimes, life gets shitty. Deadly diseases run amok, fanatics are busy beheading over there and winning elections over here, dear friends find themselves in heartbreaking situations, and I stand by, feeling impotent.
Optimism isn’t going to solve anything. Everything isn’t awesome.
So instead, I feel sad, and then I feel bad about feeling sad, because at some point along the line I told myself being unhappy is unpalatable, that I mustn’t let anyone spy me feeling low, because if I want to be loved (which I do, more than anything) I have to do everything in my power to be HAPPY. ALL. THE. TIME. Or, at very least, stay silent and unseen.
This is why I got so good at hiding my depression.
This is why I rarely reach out to friends when I’m feeling low.
And this is why, today, I’ve been feeling so fucking weird: I’ve trained myself out of acknowledging any (non-depression related) sadness in myself, even when it’s a legitimate response to stuff that’s happening close to me.
I’m a huge proponent of being yourself, yet I realise now I’ve been airbrushing an important part of me.
Sometimes, I feel shit.
I don’t need to hide this from anyone.
Sadness is an acceptable emotion.
Everything is perfectly fine.