Lotte Lane

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What the hell am I doing?

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Things are ramping up workwise in Lotteland, which is great for stuff like paying for my new roof, but less so for my sanity.

I’ll level with you: right now I feel overwhelmed, under pressure and out of control, and worse off it’s all of my own making.

This whole ‘do what you love’ self-employment thing – especially when juggled with a toddler and other life requirements (y’know, paying bills, doing chores, getting a few hours sleep) – well, it’s HARD. 

Really hard.

I work stupidly long hours.  I put in more hours now than I did when I was employed full-time – and at the moment, most of these hours are unpaid.

The awesomising brings in income, but the blogging, the marketing, the admin, I do all that for free baby. I’m basically working my arse off now in the blind hope that my efforts will be rewarded at some point in the future.

In the meantime, I have to rely on my (also self-employed) husband to pay the bills. Our income is sporadic. We’ve no savings and a heckofalotta debt.

And I notice, with some pain, that most of my family (and many of my friends) have no idea what I do, and rarely ask after my work: I assume because it embarrasses them, or bewilders them, or because they think I’m fucking mad.

And maybe they’re right.

I might purport that everything is awesome, but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.

Sometimes I feel lonely, pursuing something that the people I love don’t seem to understand.

Sometimes I feel afraid, that one month my husband won’t be able to pay the bills, that through our idealism we’re putting our family at risk.

Sometimes I feel stupid, for quitting the safe job that I hated so much to chase my ridiculous dream.


And at moments like that, I stop and ask myself:

“What the Hell Am I Doing?”

And a voice inside me chimes back:

“You’re living your fucking life.”

And I realise, with unbridled glee, that despite the fear, the loneliness, the long hours, the low pay, the questions the doubts the worries, I realise that since I started following my own path – living life on my own terms – I’ve never – not ever – not even during the lowest sleep-deprived shit-hitting-fan moments – wished a moment of my life away.  And that I don’t want to be anywhere but right here, right now.

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Comments (8)

  1. Carla Louise

    As always, I needed to read that today!! Being plagued with doubt and overwhelm and more doubt… but at least I won’t be clockwatching and wishing the day was over once I’ve made the break to freedom! xxx

    1. Lotte (Post author)

      Glad to be of service gorgeous one x

  2. Rachael

    We’re the same here. And we have the same wobbles. Then the sun shines and we sneak off to the beach or have a coffee on the way home from the school run and remember that we’re really bloody lucky to live like this. xx

    1. Lotte (Post author)

      Yes! xxx

  3. Flossing the Cat

    Go girl go! PS I think you might be my twin. I too recently quit a job to write n’stuff. My partner is also freelance. I also like to over-share. A lot. See you round then!

    1. Lotte (Post author)

      **TWIN SQUEAL**

  4. The Chimping Dandy

    OK, I hear you on the whole following your dream is living your life thing… And I came to it all pretty late. I’ve only just started taking hold of my destiny by the love-plums and giving it a bit of a squeeze. I’m writing my third and fourth books (simultaneous writin’ baby!) now and enjoying every minute of it… Unfortunately, I know that at this moment in time I couldn’t even make a dent in my monthly bills with my ‘Dream Job’ so I’m stuck in the rat-race for the forseeable future.

    Although my day-job isn’t hugely taxing and it does give me the opportunity to write at smeone else’s expense – This is still a source of great concern to me, and it’s the thing that makes me shake my skinny fists at the heavens more than anything else.

    I was on the verge of giving up when this happened – – And I figured that maybe I’m back in the game.

    Still haven’t got the bottle to give up my day-job just yet though, I’m not as brave as you.

    1. Lotte (Post author)

      Sorry for the slow reply Rob, and thanks for sharing your story.
      Results are still out as to whether job quitting was brave or stupid – we’ll see!
      I wish I had your ability to actually WRITE A FECKING BOOK (rather than just talking about it!)

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