This week was one of those weeks when all your best-laid plans go awry.
My plan to stay off social media went to shit, thanks to the car crash that is world politics right now. I have this problem where I can’t just READ the news… I have to read what everybody else thinks about it too. And so I read the comments feeds and the troll tweets and watch Facebook Lives and THEN I DESPAIR FOR ALL HUMANITY, and the anxiety I get from spending too much time online is increased a thousand fold by the sheer terror of WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? and WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO US ALL? and WHAT CAN I ACTUALLY DO ABOUT IT?
In more domestic matters, my long-held plans for Felix’s childcare (which have been in fruition since before he was in the womb) officially fell through this week. Nobody’s fault (except possibly Felix’s, and I can’t blame him for being an infant and completely obsessed with me). I’m fortunate in that this turn in events isn’t devastating: I don’t have an office I’m meant to be at, our family won’t have to head to the food bank without me increasing my current wage. But I am a bit disappointed, and a bit discouraged. And now I’m not really sure what to do.
Since I left my job, I’ve harboured dreams of building a career in the ‘online space’. I’ve experimented with stuff, and I’ve made a bit of cash here and there, but I’ve never really got going. My main excuse for this has been I’ve been busy with the kids – which to be fair, I have. But also, I think there’s a bit more to it than that: part of me is scared to commit. To throw my cards on the table, go hell for leather, or whatever other idiom applies. I’ve learnt in life that it’s bloody hard to get what you want unless you fully commit to it. But it’s also difficult to commit when you don’t know what you want.
Right now, I have NO plan for my life. And the only way forward I can see is to commit to not having one.
Embrace the fact that kids, work, THE FUTURE are a giant question mark – and go with it.
Choose ALLOW over CONTROL. That feels nicer anyway.